What I'm up to

Well this year seems to be shaping up to be busy and productive. I've been taking two classes at the local high school, creative writing and art, and I've been given a role in a community play to be performed this summer. I'm in the middle of an apologetics study with my dad and I've been working on my novel to (hopefully) get it ready for publishing. I'm drawing a graphic novel, I've been trying to get more sleep, and I'm hoping to take up some kind of sport once I actually have the time.

Winter Doldrums

Winter is always a weird season for me. I don't like cold weather, and the fact that it's constantly cold and gloomy and mushy makes me lethargic and depressed. Now normally this wouldn't matter too much to me, but my life is getting a little hectic and I have a lot of commitments that I need to work on and even though I really want to do them, I'm feeling so lazy and its driving me nuts!

Ugh. If you guys are the praying type, I'd like to request that you pray for God to give me energy and determination. Thanks.

Editing

So, I've been writing this novel. This novel has been in progress for nigh on seven years now. This is THE longest project I have ever stuck with. It is like my child now. From its first stages of Eragon-inspired manga drivel to its full fledged novel form. I have learned so much while writing it, too much to even begin to list. Someday, when it is finally completed, I will tell all here, but sadly I do not have the patience at the moment. Maybe someday it will be published. And you will read it.

CANADA!!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow I'm going to Canada, along with my three younger brothers, my parents, and whatever junk we can stuff in the back of our car and our pop-up camper Ted. Yup. So....beware Canada, my family is en route.

BUMP

So every year my church does this missions trip to Minneapolis/St. Paul, where we put on a Vacation Bible School type thing at one of our sister churches. I had a great time last year and I'm looking forward to going this year. We're leaving this Saturday at 6 am, so I'll probably sleep a lot on the bus :)

I'm afraid. I'm so afraid of dying and finding out my life has been a lie and I'm banished to hell. But that's what it feels like my father is saying to me every time I screw up or do something that falls outside of his definition of right. And every time he says this to me, he uses this patronizing, arrogant tone that makes me just never want to have anything to do with Christianity again. I'm so sick of feeling like I can never do anything right in his eyes, or in the eyes of my mother, or in the eyes of God. Every emotion inside of me that has ever been is being slowly forced away by my parents, who say that I'm not allowed to do things that make me happy; I'm not allowed to have any freedom; I'm too stupid to make my own decisions. I'm supposed to be a good little puppet, allowed only to do the things which they deem "good" and never allowed to let my own voice be heard. If I read a book which they don't think is appropriate, it's as though I've committed murder. They tell me that they want to be a godly family, but do I see them following their own rules? Rarely. Am I allowed to express myself? Never. Are they allowed to dump their crap on me whenever I screw up? Well of course, because they are my parents and I'm just a stupid teenager. Are my emotions any less valuable than theirs? Well, apparently so because that's what they're telling me every time they get angry.

I hate life. I hate it so much. All it has ever done is bring me sadness and pain. I can't wait to die because then I'll be free and I'll be allowed to live with God, where he won't criticize my actions and thoughts.

I don't like it how I never feel as though I can measure up to the people I know in terms of Christianity. Does that mean I'm not a Christian? Does it mean that I'm a terrible person and if I ever tell anyone this that I'll be judged and cast out of the fellowship of God? Would I even care? I don't know. I want to be a Christian.

I'm just so tired of life right now. If I died would anyone even care?