Right now, at this very moment, I feel like I could kill myself. I just feel like I've hit an alltime low in my life and I have no idea why. I'm tired all the time, I'm getting this awful headaches, and I just don't feel like I want to face tomorrow. I have no interest in anything at all. I feel like no one cares who I am or what I think or what I want to do with my life or if I live or die. Can any of you even imagine what that feels like? To sit there and think that no one cares about you at all? I just want to sleep and never, ever wake up.

Page 1 (Fallen Feathers)

Page one of the comic. I bet no one cares. No one reads this freaking blog anyway. I don't know why I bother. Anyway, basically just an introduction to the world, which I've already done in a previous post, so go check it out if you want to know more about the classes.

Meh

Today I'm feeling really tired and run-down. Headaches abound and I feel like I'm going to keel over from exhaustion. Meh.

My future husband?

Sometimes I really want to know who I'm going to marry. I want to know so bad, because I want someone to say "I love you" to me. That doesn't mean that I'm going to go and sleep with some guy because he says he loves me, but I want the guy who's meant for me to be here with me.

My dad jokes about it, saying that he has my husband already picked out. He's fooling around, but I know I have someone out there picked out for me.

Recently I've been having recurring dreams about a boy. Its not in the traditional sense, really, where I know him or anything, or even that he's the main focus of the dream, but the dreams usually go something like this: I'm somewhere, with a bunch of boys I know, who all seem to have a crush on me and want to be my boyfriend and stuff. I feel really uncomfortable and I'm trying to get away, and then all of a sudden, this boy walks past. For some reason, I want to see him, and he catches my eye and I think he smiles. Its weird because when I wake up I can't remember his face. I think he's blonde, though. We were even dancing this one time, but I can't remember what he looked like or who he was. The weird thing is that he usually isn't the main part of the dream, he's just sort of there. In other dreams where its about a boy I know and like, they're the main focus of the dream, but here, this boy just exists.

To myself, I kind of joke that he's supposed to be my husband in the future, and I kind of like the idea. Maybe if I ever meet him, then I'll fall in love. Nice thought, huh?

Beauty

Have you ever been in this sort of situation? Someone tells you you're beautiful, but you don't really think so? (This really only applies to girls, really)

I have had a total of six people in my life tell me I'm beautiful, and two of them are my parents, while a third is my baby brother. So three people outside of my family, one of them a boy, two of them women older than me.

Normally, I don't believe that I'm beautiful at all, or pretty, or anything. The only parts of my face I like are my eyes and my mouth, and my hair, but none of it really makes me think that I'm beautiful.

God looks at the heart, right? That would be nice, to have a guy who did that, instead of looking at my outside.

Maybe not so foolish after all?

In regards to my last post, I believe I may have scared my two main accusers off. It quickly degenerated into personal insults from their side and no real arguments, and they weren't answering my questions at all. Eventually, some of the other posters told them to knock it off, and after that they left. I believe they resorted to insults because they had no other arguments. In fact, one of the other posters told me that I was very intelligent and eloquent, which was a very nice thing to hear. I didn't convince anyone, but I did show that I was able to defend my faith. With God's help, maybe I'll convince someone. Not all of them are fools, really. I was just really frustrated.

Blah, now I'm really tired and somewhat depressed for no reason at all. G'night, all.

Christianity

LORD WHAT FOOLS THESE MORTALS BE!

I am just really frustrated right now. I joined a forum recently and I've been talking about my faith, but people just keep shooting me down whenever I try to make a point. They keep insisting that the Bible is lies, Jesus is a lie, all Christians are bigots that keep forcing their faith on others whether they like it or not. I am just so sick of it. I just want to shake all of them and scream in their faces, but that would make me into just what they say I am. Maybe that's why I want to be a public speaker about Jesus so much, to tell these people the Good News and maybe even convince a few to accept him.

I want the eloquence of God to deal with these people, to be able to stand up and say, "I am a Christian, what I believe is true, and I can answer any questions and defend my faith proudly."

Please Lord, give me strength and speech to speak to these people.

Homosexuality

From one of my forum posts:

"I realize this is a touchy subject to get into, but i'm going to give it a try and see if i can avoid any shrapnel.

I am not for gay rights, but what I mean by that is that I am not for a government sanctioned bill of gay rights, or for gay marriages. Yes, they are people, but they are people who have chosen a lifestyle which is contrary to God's law.

This is one of those "Love the sinner, hate the sin" situations where we must accept that they have chosen to be gay, and that we cannot force them to change, but rather show them that we will still show them God's love.

Likewise, I don't think that gay people should try to force us to accept them. It only shows that they are insecure in their choice and that if they are accepted as gay, that defines them. It will also push farther away the people who do not accept gays in any way, shape, or form.

I'm also seeing God dragged into this as a horrible, judgemental dictator who will smite you if you step out of line. That is not true at all. Even if you are the most despicable person on earth, who has broken every single one of his commandments, he will still love you. The only problem is, people seem to view Christianity as a one-step fix: "Okay, I accepted Jesus, now I'm set." Also not true, although if you accept Jesus for real, you will go to heaven. Christianity is not just a choice, it is a choice that you make every single day: Whether or not to attempt to live as God wants you too. If you screw up, that's fine, as long as you're sorry for the sin and try not to make the same mistake again. And yet everyone thinks the moment they step out of line, they step out of heaven. Think of it this way: you were born again in Christ. When you are born, can you be unborn?"



Somehow I got from gay rights to a sermon on God, but it felt right at the time and I feel a great sadness whenever I see people with a warped concept of God and his image.

Aughneedlesaugh!

Blargh. I just had some bloodwork done today. I hate needles with a vengeance. It doesn't really hurt that much, and I can deal with the pinching pain, but the whole idea of stabbing yourself with a sharp implement makes my stomach twist. Anyway, its for my depression medication, to make sure there's nothing bodily causing the depression and its a brain thing.

Anna St John

So this is Anna, my main character of my book. She's 13, a little naive, and the prophesied warrior of a world. But more on that later. She is the Dragonmaster, and can speak the language of flame and spark. The "leader" of the five Destined, she is wary about her power and her destiny, but she is learning to become the warrior she is meant to be.

This is not the best picture, and on top of that, this isn't even a scan of a picture, so it looks a little funky. Anyway, This is the third character I drew a portrait of, even though she's the main character.

Eltia: The Return of the Warrior

So, I said that I was going to post the plot, so here goes. Be warned though, I suck at summarizing.





Basically, there is a new world, Eltia, which is fine and dandy, until demons try and overrun it. It a great battle that rages through the heavens, the demons are cast into a great chasm called Ov and sealed within. However, an angel called Torlok rebels against the heavens and releases the demons onto Eltia. The humans are overwhelmed and flee helplessly from place to place until they reach the Shadowood, where an angel gives the people four gifts, one each to a certain group of people, and sends them to another world called Ygen, to wait out the worst of the demon invasion. The gifts are Knowledge, Communion, Strength, and Destiny. The ones who recieve Knowledge become elves. The ones who recieve Communion become fey(but not the type you might be thinking). The ones who recieve Strength become dwarves, and the five who recieve Destiny become the Destined, the five warriors of Eltia, with an animal companion and mastery over one of the five elements, ice, earth, wind, stone, and fire. These five become the greatest heroes of all time, until they die and a prophecy is given. The prophecy states that the descendant of Anir the warrior of fire, as well as the other four Destined, will one day return and smite the evil once and for all. For hundreds of years, people built up an idea of their savior. I bet none of them expected a thirteen year old girl.


Basically, that's the premise. Anna St John, my protagonist, has to become the warrior of fire, the Dragonmaster, and save a world she doesn't really belong to. She also has to learn to trust her allies, control her power, and defeat the greatest evil the world has ever known. But hey, no pressure, Anna.

Someone

Just a sketch I did in the car and then fleshed out later. I am very proud of the hand and the shading. Used a few techniques a friend of mine told me about. The body still looks kind of cramped.

Vayr, the Gryphon of the Gryphonmaster

So, this is the first picture I've posted that has a realistic style. No shading though, because I want to color this one. I spent a lot of time on the wings. When it wasn't finished, my dad said something really annoying to the effect that he thought it looked like a beak was coming out of a lion butt. To which I was annoyed and angry, and finished the picture rather quickly. The wings aren't completely realisitic, but I accept that.

Anyway, this is Vayr, one of the characters in my book. She is the gryphon of the Gryphonmaster, which makes no sense unless you know the plot, which I will post somewhere. She has a very playful and fun personality and likes to poke fun at people.

Harvest 2009

Last night I went to Harvest 2009 with Greg Laurie preaching. Technically, I went to see Relient K playing. Relient K is an awesome band.



Anyway, I thought the talk was great, and when they asked for the people who wanted to receive Christ to come forward, I felt as though God wanted me to go, even though I'm already saved. I'm still not sure if I did what he wanted me to do, but I think I finally know what he wants me to do with my life.


Funny isn't it? A week after I say I don't know what I want to do with my life, I say I do know what I want to do. I believe God wants me to become a speaker. Like, a person who talks to large groups of people about God and his love, and my own story and things like that. I don't know how I'll go about it, but if it's what God wants, then it will work out.

Sup, peeps?

Hey, I'm back from a trip to Colorado, which was extremely fun, except for the whole "crammed into one car with my three brothers" thing. We got to Colorado Springs on Mother's Day, where we had brunch and went to the mall for some stuff.



The next day was a trip to the zoo and the Garden of the Gods. The zoo was great. Feeding the giraffes was hilarious, and watching a grizzly climb down a wall is remarkably similar to a toddler getting off a bed. I had a great time with an orangutan named Tujoh, who played a game with me where I'd copy his hand positions on the glass. It was really fun playing with him and I left wishing I had my own orangutan.



The Garden of the Gods was interesting, because some of the rock formations were really amazing. However, one of my brothers was really being a jerk and it wasn't all that fun.

The best part of the trip was Great Sand Dunes National Park. It is an extremely weird place with these ginormous sand dunes right smack-dab in front of the Sange de Cristo Mountains. When we visited, it was really windy and a dust devil actually passed over me and my brothers. The wind whipped against our legs, driving little tiny sand particles deep into our skin. In other words, it stung. Like heck. My mom and my baby brother turned back after a while because they didn't like it. Wimps. My dad, my brothers, and I hiked on for a little while longer, then we rolled down a sand dune and I managed to take home half the sand dune in my pants. Then we hiked back to the creek that runs in front of the dunes and splashed around in that for a while. I tried to take a nap, but I have been plagued with insomnia that I think comes from my new depression medication, so I can't sleep without a melatonin. It's annoying.

Anyway, the Sand Dunes National Park is in the middle of nowhere, so it took some driving to get back to Denver, where we went to the museum of Nature and Science. To be frank, the only interesting thing about it was the Expedition: Heath exhibit where you did all this physical stuff and you could age your face to seventy(which was really creepy) and perform experiments and stuff. The rest was dogma about evolution and Darwin and all this stuff, which bored and aggravated me.

And the next day we left and came back home. It was nice to be home, but kinda boring too.

Raindrops on Roses

These are a few of my favorite things (haha, Sound of Music reference)

Warm laundry
Writing my book (and hearing people's feedback on it. )
Sitting in front of a computer while wrapped in a warm blanket
Reading *good* books
Running around like a crazy person
Sleeping under warm sheets on a cold day
Swimming
The beach
God/Jesus (they really go hand-in-hand ) (x1,000,000,000)
Cuddling with my puppy-dogs
Standing in the shower and just letting the hot water run over me
Eating warm cookies with cold milk
Sunny days
Rainy days
Old movies
Making up sentences that sound dramatic (which usually lead to more stories!! )
Sitting in trees (or under them for that matter)
Art in general
Thinking up exciting stories for mundane things (which also lead to more stories! )
Cute fuzzy creatures
Funny people
Jokes
Role-playing
My friends ( you guys rock my socks!)
My stuffed bear, Harry
Music (either listening to it, playing it, or writing it myself )
ROOT BEER!
Dragons
My guitar(His name is David)
The smell of turpentine (for oil painting. The fumes can get to you after a while. ;D )
Cooking
Baking
Lasagna
Washing my hair
Listening to people talking about God
Vacations to places I've never been
The sound of bagpipes
The heaviness of the air before a storm, the thunder and patter of the rain during a storm, and the fresh scent of rain after a storm
The mournful sound of Celtic music as I'm writing
Kittens and puppies
The scent of my dog's head
The blank pages of a new sketchbook
Fresh, cold, water
Kisses from my baby brother
Pecan/Pumpkin Pie
Making up stories with my brothers
Youth Group
The scent of jasmine
Peppermint Gum
Vanilla Ice Cream
Acting on stage
Naps
The sound of a well-played violin
The sound of a well-played piano
Sitting in a bookstore or library just reading
Reading manga
Singing the songs I wrote

Christianity

I know, a pretty deep topic to get into, right? This probably won't be the only time I broach the subject though. My faith is a topic of great thought for me, both good and bad.

Mostly, my problems arise when I meet people who really seem driven for God. They know what they want to do, where they are going and how they are getting there, and I always worry, deep down, "What if I'm not good enough for them?"

I am a Christian, but I don't know what I want to do with my life yet. Actually, I don't know what God wants me to do with my life yet. But I always worry because these people seem so . . . passionate for God, and I worry, "Will they call me a non-Christian because I like this or because I do that?"

The Creatures of Night

Do not turn out the light
For the creatures of night
Shall come and take you away.

From under your bed,
They'll crawl into your head,
And hold you under their sway.

They feed on your fear,
So draw you sheets near,
Shut your eyes tight and pray,

That they're in a good mood,
And not looking for food,
And maybe they just want to play.

Who is this that draws close?
Is it some fiend or ghost?
Or a specter, all dressed in gray?

Is it a monster in green?
Who dares not to be seen?
Or a head,laid out on a tray?

The floor outside creaks,
The door handle squeaks,
And the room is bright as day.

Surely now is the hour
To call on God's power,
To save you from the . . . but wait!

Your sister comes in,
And says with a grin,
"It's time to turn out the light."

She flips the switch,
(You think she's a witch)
And vanishes from sight.

But now, can't you see,
Where now you must be,
You're alone with the creatures of night!

Suddenly, He's near,
Whispering in your ear,
"Be still, feel no fright."

"I will stay near,
And I won't leave you here,
You're safe from the creatures of night."

"So be still little child,
Sleep for a while,
Do not worry about your plight."

"I'll be by your side,
and I'll be your guide,
I'll keep away the creatures of night."

An oldish poem about night and the fears that it holds, mainly the fear of the unknown, and that God will be there for you always. Taken from an old journal.

Widget, Light Domain

Widget, Light Domain

Age: 354

Race: Wizardrous Feline

Status: Single, on a mission to find a Seraph

Family: Unknown

Eye Color: Wizardrous Blue

Hair Color: Brown w/ gold strands

Likes: Sunshine, music, nice people, Aria, cupcakes, donuts, cookies, rare magical artifacts

Dislikes: Dark Wizardrous, losing his staff, scary movies, sour foods, vegetables

Fears: The Wizardrous Council

Favorite Color: Blue

Favorite Food: Cupcakes and Donuts

Personality: Widget is a extremely naive and optimistic feline who tends to take things at face value and rarely takes anything seriously. He is childlike and trusting to everyone, except for people he knows are "bad" and people he doesn't like. Despite his idiotic appearance, Widget is not stupid, making many wonder if his personality is really his or an act.

History: Widget can barely remember his days at the Wizardrous Academy and very little before that. This does not seem to bother him as much as it should. He has spent a hundred years searching for a Seraph, though when asked why, he says he can't remember what for.

Trivia: Widget's Wizardrous mark has an extra dot and "comma" but it does not seem to have any significance.

The little puffballs on Widget's ears are a family trait.

The jewel Widget wears shows he graduated with top marks from the Wizardrous Academy.

Wizardrous are immune to all diseases and it is extremely difficult to kill them.

Creepy.

Okay, so there's this guy that I know from my youth group. He's a nice guy, a Christian, and he's a good friend of mine. Well, a couple of weeks ago, he asked me out. I'm not allowed to date, so I turned him down, in the nicest way I could. However, apparently he's been putting stuff on Facebook about me, which a friend told me about, and frankly, some of the stuff is starting to border on stalkerish. I like this guy as a friend, and I am not interested in him romantically, but it is still unsettling and sometimes I wish he would leave me alone.

Evolution

The ONE THING that pisses me off more than anything else in the world is evolution, and the fools who tout it as fact. The only thing that pisses me off more is the people who claim to believe both in God and in the fact that we all evolved from a random gathering of amino acids. If I recall correctly, the simplest protein in the world is 124 amino acids, and the average protein has several thousand. And if even one amino acid is off, the whole protein is useless, because its not the right protein. Apparently, if you were to try to create ribonuclease, the simplest protein in the world, by accident, the odds would be 1 in 10 to the 152 power. That's like drawing a royal flush 19 times in a row without missing a card. The chances are so frigging remote I just can't believe how idiotic some people are. Then they tell me that I came from a small organism, which spontaneously evolved into a fish, which became a frog, which turned into a lizard, which became a monkey, which became me. Um, excuse me, but there is no way I am going to believe that. The complexity of life is so intricate, so unfathomable, that there is no way I will ever believe that evolution is a plausible, no, contemplatible, theory. And that's all it is, a stupid, uneducated, full of holes theory that holds water like a sieve. And people actually believe the garbage being shoved into their brains, with no room for argument. It doesn't help that everyone who questions evolution is ridiculed and ejected from the "respectable" science community. Because evolution teaches that we are no better than animals who by a freak accident became the way we are today, there is no value for human life, and more value is placed on real animals. People spend millions of dollars to help the cute little seal get back to his natural habitat, while around the world, thousands upon thousands of children are dying from hunger and disease. Everyone needs to take a stand, because as Ezekiel 3:18-19 says:

"When I say to a wicked man, 'You will surely die,' and you do not warn him or speak out to dissade him from his evil ways in order to save his life, that wicked man will die for his sin, and I will hold you accountable for his blood. But if you do warn the wicked man and he does not turn from his wickedness or from his evil ways, he will die for his sin; but you will have saved yourself."

I pray to God that one day, when the heavens have opened and the trumpets resound, that I will be able to say to them, "I told you so." But more so I pray that they will find the truth, so that they will not have to suffer the torment of Hell.

I never have good ideas for titles

So I've noticed I don't exactly have that many posts on here. While no one probably cares, it bothers me because I wanted this blog in order to post my thoughts, but so far I've barely done anything. Maybe I'd do more if people commented, and no, that's not a guilt trip or anything, its just how my mind works. Then again, I sincerely doubt people are reading this thing, so what am I complaining for? I really doubt that anybody would care. Well anyway, I've done my complaining for the day, and I have to choose a dress for a dinner theatre tomorrow, so I'm gonna stop pitying myself.