Right now, at this very moment, I feel like I could kill myself. I just feel like I've hit an alltime low in my life and I have no idea why. I'm tired all the time, I'm getting this awful headaches, and I just don't feel like I want to face tomorrow. I have no interest in anything at all. I feel like no one cares who I am or what I think or what I want to do with my life or if I live or die. Can any of you even imagine what that feels like? To sit there and think that no one cares about you at all? I just want to sleep and never, ever wake up.

Page 1 (Fallen Feathers)

Page one of the comic. I bet no one cares. No one reads this freaking blog anyway. I don't know why I bother. Anyway, basically just an introduction to the world, which I've already done in a previous post, so go check it out if you want to know more about the classes.

Meh

Today I'm feeling really tired and run-down. Headaches abound and I feel like I'm going to keel over from exhaustion. Meh.

My future husband?

Sometimes I really want to know who I'm going to marry. I want to know so bad, because I want someone to say "I love you" to me. That doesn't mean that I'm going to go and sleep with some guy because he says he loves me, but I want the guy who's meant for me to be here with me.

My dad jokes about it, saying that he has my husband already picked out. He's fooling around, but I know I have someone out there picked out for me.

Recently I've been having recurring dreams about a boy. Its not in the traditional sense, really, where I know him or anything, or even that he's the main focus of the dream, but the dreams usually go something like this: I'm somewhere, with a bunch of boys I know, who all seem to have a crush on me and want to be my boyfriend and stuff. I feel really uncomfortable and I'm trying to get away, and then all of a sudden, this boy walks past. For some reason, I want to see him, and he catches my eye and I think he smiles. Its weird because when I wake up I can't remember his face. I think he's blonde, though. We were even dancing this one time, but I can't remember what he looked like or who he was. The weird thing is that he usually isn't the main part of the dream, he's just sort of there. In other dreams where its about a boy I know and like, they're the main focus of the dream, but here, this boy just exists.

To myself, I kind of joke that he's supposed to be my husband in the future, and I kind of like the idea. Maybe if I ever meet him, then I'll fall in love. Nice thought, huh?

Beauty

Have you ever been in this sort of situation? Someone tells you you're beautiful, but you don't really think so? (This really only applies to girls, really)

I have had a total of six people in my life tell me I'm beautiful, and two of them are my parents, while a third is my baby brother. So three people outside of my family, one of them a boy, two of them women older than me.

Normally, I don't believe that I'm beautiful at all, or pretty, or anything. The only parts of my face I like are my eyes and my mouth, and my hair, but none of it really makes me think that I'm beautiful.

God looks at the heart, right? That would be nice, to have a guy who did that, instead of looking at my outside.

Maybe not so foolish after all?

In regards to my last post, I believe I may have scared my two main accusers off. It quickly degenerated into personal insults from their side and no real arguments, and they weren't answering my questions at all. Eventually, some of the other posters told them to knock it off, and after that they left. I believe they resorted to insults because they had no other arguments. In fact, one of the other posters told me that I was very intelligent and eloquent, which was a very nice thing to hear. I didn't convince anyone, but I did show that I was able to defend my faith. With God's help, maybe I'll convince someone. Not all of them are fools, really. I was just really frustrated.

Blah, now I'm really tired and somewhat depressed for no reason at all. G'night, all.

Christianity

LORD WHAT FOOLS THESE MORTALS BE!

I am just really frustrated right now. I joined a forum recently and I've been talking about my faith, but people just keep shooting me down whenever I try to make a point. They keep insisting that the Bible is lies, Jesus is a lie, all Christians are bigots that keep forcing their faith on others whether they like it or not. I am just so sick of it. I just want to shake all of them and scream in their faces, but that would make me into just what they say I am. Maybe that's why I want to be a public speaker about Jesus so much, to tell these people the Good News and maybe even convince a few to accept him.

I want the eloquence of God to deal with these people, to be able to stand up and say, "I am a Christian, what I believe is true, and I can answer any questions and defend my faith proudly."

Please Lord, give me strength and speech to speak to these people.